My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
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Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.