I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
You Might Also Like
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK