[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
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FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
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Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.