Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
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You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
When libraries troll their patrons.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.