never forget
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Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
j o i m p
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me: