My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
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People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Good dog. ❤️
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”