Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
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Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
My current situation
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.