“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
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Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
How your email finds me
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life