me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
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having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)