A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
You Might Also Like
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Good advice.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Sending in my taxes
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Traveler’s camo
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do