My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
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*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Stop.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Not today.. 😂
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again