When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
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I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Life with a cat in one tweet
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*