House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
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The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
lmfao come on
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Potatoes were such a good idea
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer