Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
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Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…