Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
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As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
this could fix me
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.