I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
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I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
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There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
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Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
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I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
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Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth