wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
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January has been Januweary
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business