I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
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Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.