if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
You Might Also Like
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.