Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
You Might Also Like
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like