I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
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[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.