I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
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“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
it’s finally my moment to shine
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
The first matador
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one