Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
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Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
My Sentiments Exactly
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”