If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
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I think I’m having a stroke
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
idk what this dog had been going through but same
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.