[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
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Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.