I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
You Might Also Like
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.