Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
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I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
*sewing*
A thread
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”