Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
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Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.