Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
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*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
When someone trying to leave me
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.