hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
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You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Mmmm. Shoeshi
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Ferrari squats
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”