Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
You Might Also Like
Dead
Alive
Other✔
stop
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.