Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
You Might Also Like
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
You wish you had this many chins.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”