I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
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Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
You better watch out
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.