if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
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wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Well, shit
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Favourite diary entry ever
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]