*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
You Might Also Like
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
huge if true: the moon
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
#CatsOnTwitter
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…