I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
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I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.