My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
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Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.