If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
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My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day