I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
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Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]