Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
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[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]