I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
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I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Am I having a stroke?
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*