*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
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Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1