Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
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Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore