3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
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Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family