ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
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I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…