I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
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My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were