I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
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cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
let’s discuss
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?