“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
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A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe