Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
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Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
never forget
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.