911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
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[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing